This is . . . John Musgrave's dance
John Musgrave was diagnosed with liver cancer in May of last year. He's now on a waiting list for a new liver.
The hospital has supplied him with a pager so he can get to surgery as soon as a suitable organ comes in. He already has had one false alarm, the liver in question was too big, and he's had to take a leave of absence from his studies while he waits.
But he's found a way to combat the potentially strength-sapping anticipation. Two weeks ago he started what he calls his Vigil. Everyday, in his Roncevalles studio, he creates a self-portrait and will do so until his surgery, which he said shouldn't be any later than next spring.
"I was going to Central Tech, the art school, and I was feeling bad about falling behind . . . I wanted to tie up loose ends there because I told them I would probably be gone three months when it happens."
John, 57, is enrolled in the adult art program at Central Tech, at Harbord and Bathurst. The program consists of traditional formal training in drawing, painting, printmaking, sculpture and ceramics. One a day, five mornings a week.
One of John's instructors told the class about an artist who did a self-portrait every day for a year. He thought that 365 self-portraits would be very interest to see. "So the idea kind of incubated in me and I thought 'you know, I'm not paying enough attention, I'm trying to keep up at school, I'm trying to keep fit too and I'm ignoring this thing like it's going to happen to somebody else. I'm not really doing meditation; I don't have enough time to rest. I'm not paying attention to it."
He tied up loose ends, completed projects he was involved in and extricated himself from any new projects and started this Vigil, this way of acknowledging his illness and spiritually strengthening himself.
His preferred tool, his chief medium, is oil and he uses mirrors to create each piece. He hasn't done this much portraiture since he was a young man hitchhiking across Canada and doing sketches in pubs.
When his doctor told him in May 2004 that he had advanced liver cancer, his head was spinning. "I always though of cancer as something other people get . . . but at least with the liver you don't feel it as much."
He said everything else is fine and he feels okay, although he tires easily. He's in the process of relearning how he lives his life; because he now realizes the amount of stress he was putting his body through. The vigil is a part of that relearning process.
"I've become a lot more aware of the stress I was making my body carry . . . but I was really in denial about that, I just took it on and didn't notice it, but something in my body did," he said laughing.
But is the Vigil making a noticeable difference?
"Yes, it is! Absolutely! At first I dithered around making the decision, I felt kind of foolish and even a few days in I felt awkward and stupid about it, but I decided I was going to go ahead.
"For the first three or four days I did drawings and then I did this painting and that was a watershed moment. When I did that I felt: Yeah! Now it's starting to take hold. And now I feel like I am paying attention to the moment, paying attention to this thing that's going to happen."
He no longer feels the nervous anticipation while waiting for the news of a good liver nor is he pretending that the situation doesn't exist.
"I don't feel disconnected to it anymore and I am very happy about that.
"On a sort of spiritual, psychic, artist kind of level this has given me a real boost to my self-esteem and my feelings of vigour and health."
And facing an operation that can take up to six or seven hours, he said, you might as well go in strong.
Gadzooks! will keep readers up to date with John's Vigil over the coming weeks.
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