Eight Easy Ways to Being More Canadian
It was Canada Day recently, and for that one day a year, the population of Canadian flags quintuple. People demonstrate their national pride by wearing lots of red and blowing up stuff. And I love that. Red is an excellent colour for me, and who doesn’t like a bunch of fire being shot into the air? No one. Not even any of our leafy, highly flammable brethren.
But Canada Day is just that: one day. Outside of the occasional beer commercial, where is our national pride the rest of the year? Surely the Olympics can stir that sinful soup of pride! Yes, for a few weeks, until everyone realizes that there are no ice sports. We tend to do better in the cold, because Jamaica tends to bow out (excluding the magnificent series of events that inspired the film Cool Runnings). So what to do? I don’t think that we should be participating in the self-congratulatory wank-fest of, say, an American patriot, but there are little ways through the day that we can proudly proclaim our Canadianity:
1. Make almost-lascivious jokes about beavers. Here is one that you can try at home, at church, or in the office: Q. What makes a beaver wet? 2. Offer to buy someone coffee. Then ask them, “How do you like your coffee…CRISP?” This works especially well if you are a coffee vendor. (Did you know that Coffee Crisp is exclusive to Canada? Be proud, my friends!) 3. Talk about the weather…a lot. 4. Declare one-third of your body distinct from the rest of it. Then have it threaten to lop itself off. Then spend the rest of the day trying to assimilate it back through heavy-handed legislation. 5. Refer to hockey disdainfully as, “Canada’s OTHER national sport.” 6. Masturbate to a picture of a Governor General! Or choose your favourite PM! Though be warned, thinking of Stephen Harper may lead to infertility (his robotronic brain emits harmful radiation). I suggest getting lost in the masterful mutton chops of Charles Tupper. 7. Try to make friends with a moose. 8. Apologize to someone if they bump into you. Once you have done this, get into a fight, provoking your pugilistic partner into punching your face repeatedly. Then, apologize for bumping into their fist. |
N.B. Ways 1-7 are good ways to get hit in said face.
As with thinking green, thinking Canadian only needs these small acts.
Andrea Miller apologized each time someone bumped into her on Canada Day