Paul, It’s a Trap!
By Andrea Miller
As you may know, Paul McCartney, former Beatle, double-barreled status of widower and divorcé, and considered most likely to lose against Ringo Starr in hand-to-hand combat by Gadzooks! Persons of the Week™ is playing at Quebec City’s 400th birthday party.
“Cool!” You might think.
“Neato!” Your friend may add.
“Why are we talking like a 1950s sitcom?” You may wonder.
False. This is neither cool, nor neat. Allow me to present you with the facts.
Fact: The concert is being held on The Plains of Abraham. It was the battle of the same name where English [Modern] Major General Wolfe’s “ducking and shooting” strategy defeated French Marquis de Montcalm’s “line up and die” tactic, claiming victory for the English. Quebec fell, and France hightailed it, giving colonial satirists the very first “France surrenders!” material. (The first joke: How many directions can French cavalry ride? One. Backwards.).
The Battle of the Plains of Abraham marks the beginning of English rule in Canada. As such, it also marks the first glimmering seed of Quebec Nationalism. You know how the Quebec license plate motto is, ‘Je me souviens’? THAT’S what they’re remembering. It’s grudge-holding at its spectacular best.
Although you certainly can’t blame the Quebecois for not inviting, say, Celine Dion to come and shatter some ear drums, it seems a little odd that rather than invite some big-name Quebec-born stars to headline, they have invited Paul McCartney. McCartney, a man who is not only English, but a bloody knight and cultural icon rivaled only by the royal family. So why the strange booking policy?
Simple, it’s a trap! I can’t think of a more stunning yet admirably simple way for Quebec nationalists to finally gain symbolic revenge on the English: Invite McCartney to the big party. Have him stand on the stage over a big X under a net that, if he asks, is full of blue and white balloons. Then, before he can strum a single chord on his mandolin, he’s yours! Paul McCartney, in a cage suspended from the Citadel, a wizened Lucien Bouchard poking him with his wooden leg; other scowling separatists mockingly suggesting that McCartney “must believe in Yesterday right now,” that, “any time you feel the pain, hey Paul, refrain from screaming too loudly,” or “is on a long and winding road of punishment” and other pun-based abuse.
So I beseech you, Sir Paul: renege on the gig. Sure, thousands of Quebecois fans, oblivious to more sinister machinations, will be disappointed. But you’d be amazed how fast that disappointed would have turned to glee when they realize that hearing you sing is now part of the Citadel tour.
Andrea Miller would still allow herself to be charged the $12.50 it costs to view Paul McCartney in a cage.