Andrea Miller’s response to Andrea Ledwell’s guide to a successful staycation.
Your Real Guide to the Staycation
By Andrea Miller
If you’re really serious about taking a “Staycation” this summer, don’t be pussyfooting around by taking a ferry ride around the harbour, going to the zoo, or adventuring in one of Toronto’s nature paths. Especially in a summer where the weather seems to fluctuate between unbearably muggy to drizzle that could at any time turn to monsoon, the “stay” in “staycation” really stands for is “stay indoors.” Interested? Want to here more? Your wish is my command:
Spy on your neighbours! Voyeurism is the ultimate escape, so why not drag out that telescope or pair of binoculars that never get used and check out what the folks next door are up to. You never know, it may lead to an exciting career change where you solve minor theft, vandalism and missing cat problems from the comfort of your armchair. After that, it’s just one chance meeting with the right TV exec before your life becomes a syndicated television series. And everyone knows that’s where the real money is. (Note: it isn’t. [Note to the note: or is it?])
Watch a slide show of past vacations. Many would say that the slide show is quite rightfully dead. I say, there’s no better way to taunt the kids than to show them scenes of fun in the sun when you had money with which to buy their love.
Take an “imagacation.” Recapture the simpler times of your youth when building a fort out of sheets and your dining room chairs was a fantastic way to pass an afternoon indoors (for some of us it still is anyway). With a little creativity and/or bringing the garden hose inside, your stairwell can become a fantastic waterslide, a bathtub full of ice cubes stands in for an arctic adventure, attempting to talk in accents is a lovely European vacation (the location, of course, relies heavily on your repertoire). For those who prefer to keep their inner children on the cusp of death, substitute the magic of imagination with copious amount of drugs and alcohol, then kick back and wait for the hallucinations to kick in.
Get Your Hermit On: This is where the serious shit kicks in.
Step 1: Cover the windows. Preferably with something that will keep even in the noon day sun like the pelts of the wild animals you have caught in your back garden, but cardboard, or even thick blankets, can do.
Step 3: Buy many non-perishable items: bottled water, canned food, and more bags of potato chips than you can carry in one trip.
Step 4: Go back and do Step 2, you philistine. That’s where you drag your mattress into the living room, or the TV into your bedroom. Remember to avoid open-concept rooms, as they do not allow for a cozy cloister at all.
Step 5: Rent, purchase or steal: Every season/sequel/version of The Office, Arrested Development, MASH, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Evil Dead, Firefly, Doctor Who, the Simpsons and any others that you may fancy. Then, crank up the A/C and wait for September.
Induce a Coma: If TV is any indication, the dreams experienced while in a coma are so life-like, that people don’t always know that they’re even in a coma. So that’s one stroke in its favour. But at the same time, you’re free of the cumbersome rules of reality, so you can fly, jump the lengths of lakes, sex way out of your league, or run slightly faster than usual (note to my editors: “sex” is not a grammatical error, I’m trying to make it into a verb. As in “Did he sex you last night?” or “Sex me right now.” My parents are so, so, so proud.) Lucky for you, other parts of the list are great for inducing comas!