Although you may not agree with John McCain’s policy, you’ve got to feel bad for the guy. This is someone who has more than paid his dues to be president. A decorated war veteran, former POW, long-serving senator; he’s got a long list of qualifications that justly fit his incredibly, incredibly advanced age. Although he has narrowed the gap on Obama in recent polls, he is still up against someone who seems more charismatic, more energetic, and more Lincolnish in stature (which can make or break any presidential campaign).
I think the only way that he can combat Obama’s charm offensive is by recruiting someone incredible as his VP candidate. And I have some suggestions:
Barack Obama: The best way to combat perceived ‘Obamania’? Harness its power for yourself! Sure, when you announce Obama as your running mate, there’s going to be some surprise on his part, but it won’t take long before the man realizes that he’s in a win-win situation.
Lassie: Because where in the rules does it say a dog can’t be Vice President? And some dogs can sense heart attacks, tumors, and seizures before they occur, which could be of vital use to McCain in his ever-looming dotage. And if he gets trapped down a well, Lassie’s got it covered.
Elmo: More animated than Mitt Romney, Elmo would be an easy cash-in on the youth vote. Next step: lower the legal voting age to four.
Actually, once you enter the world of muppets, lots of possibilities crop up. Want to break new ground by nominating a woman? Miss Piggy is assertive and I’m sure has an aggressive position on national defense. Kermit the Frog is known as being responsible, organized, and incredibly well-loved. You would also break race ground by having the first green candidate. And once in office McCain could combat low approval ratings by singing “Rainbow Connection” with Kermit while standing behind a fake brick wall.
Bill Clinton: Really, I cannot think of a more perfect choice. Clinton could make up for McCain’s charisma deficit literally with a wink of the eye. It would differentiate McCain from Bush and broaden his appeal with young people, minorities and working classes. The man is educated, well-spoken, and has bad-mouthed Obama enough over the past six months to make him an appealing opponent. This cross-aisle choice could change the political landscape and usher in an era of cooperation rather than opposition.
Plus McCain could cash in on Clinton’s White House experience more than Hillary ever did-and that is an awful lot. Many people referred to Clinton as the “first black president” so just imagine-he could also be the “first black vice president!” And when I hear about disgusting things that happen in the White House, I would love to be able to chuckle instead of bash my head against the table as hard as I can. Remember the days when we laughed? Do it for the comedy, and I guarantee McCain the vote of lazy comedy writers everywhere. It’s worth having to put up with a surely-faced Hillary for the next four to eight years.
Andrea Miller is expecting a thank you letter from John McCain.